Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a continuous journey of self-discovery and adaptation. As a mother with ADHD, raising a child who also has ADHD, I've traversed a path filled with challenges and learning experiences. Today, I want to share our story of coregulation — a strategy that not only helps us manage our symptoms but also strengthens our bond.
I've made no secret of the fact that my 8-year-old daughter has a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism. Unfortunately, my daughter is currently really struggling with her extreme emotions to the point we have had to seek mental health support. Of course my main concern is her wellbeing, but it also has a triggering affect on me. This can the create a whole cycle of us triggering each other as she also feeds off of my energy.
Understanding Coregulation
Coregulation refers to the way in which one person’s physiological and emotional processes are managed, moderated, or controlled by another's supportive interactions. For those of us with ADHD, this can often mean helping each other remain focused, manage emotions, and sustain motivation towards tasks and responsibilities.
As a mother, my initial instincts were to correct and direct. However, with time, I've learned that coregulation is more about guidance and mutual support rather than control. It’s about navigating the waves together, rather than pulling my daughter into my boat.
The Daily Struggles and Triumphs
Mornings used to be chaotic. The simple routine of getting ready for school could easily become overwhelming. My daughter would struggle with transitioning from one task to another, and I would become impatient, not being a great model of organisation myself. Recognising our shared difficulty with transitions and time management was the first step in changing how we approached our morning routine.
We introduced visual schedules and clear, manageable steps for each of our morning tasks. Instead of nagging, I began using these moments to teach by example, showing how I organise my tasks and calmly work through them. These small moments of modelling have gradually helped us both develop better coping mechanisms.
Emotional Regulation Through Empathy
Emotional dysregulation is a common aspect of ADHD. Explosive reactions to minor frustrations were frequent in our home. During these moments, it became essential to practice empathy, both for myself and for my child. Recognising our emotional responses and discussing them openly has been crucial.
When tensions rise, we've learned to take a pause, breathe, and express our feelings in words. "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now because I can’t find my keys and we’re going to be late. I need a moment to think." Voicing my own experiences and struggles has encouraged my daughter to do the same. This mutual understanding and validation of our feelings is the cornerstone of our emotional coregulation.
Shared Strategies for Managing Tasks
Both my daughter and I struggle with maintaining attention on mundane or prolonged tasks. Homework, therefore, can be a battleground. To combat this, we've set up a shared workspace where we do our ‘homework’ together. I handle my work, bills, or household management, while she does her schoolwork. We use timers to work in short, focused bursts with small breaks in between. This approach not only helps us manage our attention spans but also allows us to support each other through difficult tasks.
Celebrating Small Wins
Living with ADHD can often make you feel like you’re not achieving enough. It’s important to celebrate the small victories, as they are major strides in our world. Whether it’s completing a book, finishing a project, or just having a smooth morning, acknowledging and celebrating these moments boosts our morale and encourages us.
Building a Supportive Community
Isolation can be detrimental to mental health, especially for parents dealing with ADHD. Connecting with other parents who face similar challenges has been incredibly uplifting and informative. Support groups, both online and in-person, have provided us with practical advice and emotional solidarity.
Reflections and Moving Forward
This journey of coregulation has not only helped us manage our ADHD but has also brought us closer. It’s taught us resilience, understanding, and patience. As we continue to grow and learn from each other, I remain hopeful and excited for what the future holds.
For parents navigating similar waters, remember, it’s okay to seek help, take breaks, and admit when things are tough. The journey of ADHD is fraught with challenges, but with the right strategies and support, it can also be incredibly rewarding.
ADHD is a significant part of our lives, but it does not define us. Through coregulation, we’ve learned to harness our strengths and support each other in ways we never thought possible. It’s a continual process of learning and adaptation, one that requires patience, empathy, and lots of love. If you’re embarking on this journey, take heart. You’re not alone, and with the right approach, you and your child can thrive together.
Want to work with me to figure out how to coregulate with your child? Click here to book in an initial chat.